Dear Volkswagen of America, Inc.,
I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for sending me such a lovely gift to commemorate the third anniversary of my purchase of my car. It was so kind of you not only to send me this classy air freshener with a picture of a chandelier on it, but also to enclose a note explaining that crystal is the traditional third-anniversary gift, somehow knowing that without this explanation, I would have spent another three years desperately wondering why you chose to mark this occasion with paper -- the traditional first-anniversary gift -- instead.
Furthermore, I would like to thank you for sending a gift that not only can be enjoyed by my car, but which is currently gracing the entire household -- and possibly neighborhood -- with its presence. My dinner, which did not at any point pass closer than within about three feet of said gift while opening my mail this evening, now permanently tastes like some sort of cleaning product.
Finally, I would like to thank you for removing any doubt in my mind that Volkswagen has in fact stopped being a "cool" corporation of the type to distribute such creative gimmicks as the Fahrvergnügen shirt and has indeed irreconcilably stooped below the level of even the Saturn-owner picnic.
A proud VW owner who will never be able to distinguish tastes again