A letter to the aspiring DJ next door


Dear aspiring DJ,

I have to tell you, I'm having a hard time believing the repeated assertions that Shaggy, Kanye, and others are, in fact, "in da house." From the couple of passing conversations I've had with you, you seem like a reasonable enough person, and I have faith that if any of these individuals were, in fact, in your residence, you would have at least invited some friends over. Given that in the three hours you have been blasting music into my house, I have not heard a single sound to indicate the presence of anyone other than you and your equipment, I can say with a fair amount of certainty that you are in fact alone in your home DJing to a nonexistent crowd. Now, about that: If it appeared to me that you were playing music at full volume because you were having some sort of gathering, I would just accept that it's Saturday night and be glad that you were having fun. However, given that you are pretty clearly alone, I'm really wondering why it's necessary that you practice your skills at top volume. As previously noted, I'm quite confident that you aren't working with any live artists, so you could just as easily practice spinning with your equipment at a much lower volume. In fact, I might suggest turning the volume down and really listening to yourself. While you have good taste and a good feel for consistency of tempos, you really do need to work on smoother crossfades. That last one sounded really amateur, especially when you followed it with a shout-out of "Hey Boston, how you feeling tonight?" Honestly, I wouldn't expect to have a crowd warranting that particular form of address in your living room any time soon. Though, on second thought, a fair portion of the city of Boston can hear your performance right now, so I suppose it is kind of you to ask us how we're feeling. Since you asked, I'm feeling a little irritated that I'm involuntarily listening to your music inside my house.

Sincerely,
Your neighbor


7 comments:

adamg said...

[Insert cliched answer involving the playing of Beethoven or Brahms full blast at 6:45 a.m. on a Sunday]

eeka said...

HEE.

LaDivina said...

Nope. It's gotta be Wagner or Bruckner.

Or maybe Holst...Mars would be good. "da bringer of WAR is in da house!" :D

eeka said...

You guys are forgetting that any music I turn on at 6:45 would also be heard by ME. If I'm awake at 6:45, anything other than silence and lots of coffee is going to make me cranky.

And didn't I tell you whippersnappers to stay off my lawn?

Russell said...

Maybe you could get up early and pound down a couple good-sized mugs of coffee. Once you're fully caffeinated, it's time to crank up the music. In a situation like this I find there's no substitute for the King of Instruments: yes, the (huge, throbbing) organ! Start off with the Widor Toccata, that's my recommendation. Should go quite nicely with a cup of fine Sumatra.

eeka said...

Russell, you REALLY don't understand how much I hate getting up early, do you? ;o)

Maybe if the guy irritates me enough next time, I'll just stay up and start cranking the stereo about 2 or 3 hours after he quiets down. I do have a better subwoofer than him, and I'm with you that longass pedal tones are more grating than thumping bass. Organ music sounds like the way to go. If only I could find a piece for organ and bagpipe or something equally atrocious...

LaDivina said...

http://www.bagpipingbeatons.com/

About 2/3 of the way down is a list of rep with links to MP3 files. I don't know how long (or how well played) they are, but perhaps that's not the point. :D

Download, splice, crank, and enjoy!