Not only is One Smoot Short of a Bridge helpful, but it is also stalking you

I recently looked through my Google Analytics account to see what search queries are bringing people to my sites. There were many straightforward queries about subjects I've written about, several straightforward queries from people pretty clearly looking to find me specifically, a number of porn-related queries that surely proved disappointing when a site came up that pretty much only uses sex words in a sociological context, and some that were just flat-out strange (like "o rly owl + global warming").

Once I got past being stuck on how people out there are even stranger than I thought, I decided I might as well put my Analytics report to good use. So, I'm going to try to answer some of the queries that brought up my page but wouldn't have provided the person with much of an answer. Here goes:

"boston charities that pick up furniture"

I'm a fan of Boomerangs. They'll pick things up if they're in good condition and you have a decent amount of stuff. The charity benefits the AIDS Action Committee. If Boomerangs can't help you, someone at freecycle can likely come by and get your stuff. I do not recommend doing any sort of business with the Salvation Army, as they're discriminatory toward GLBT individuals (google this if you don't know the background on this).

"does water kill hiv"

I have no idea why this person ended up on my site rather than the CDC or something, and I'm not sure whether that's flattering or disturbing, but yes, yes it does.

"how does one become licensed music therapist"

One becomes a Board-Certified Music Therapist (MT-BC) through completion of an accredited program, clinical training, and passing the board exam. The Certification Board for Music Therapists is the place to go for official information. In Massachusetts, a music therapist is likely to hold state licensure as a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, which allows the clinician to bill to insurance companies and diagnose people and all that good stuff. I did the music therapy masters program at Lesley, which prepares people for both credentials. I highly recommend it. I don't really recommend getting the MT-BC credential without masters-level training in counseling, because based on my experience, I wouldn't have been eligible to do most of the work I've done without the LMHC.

"eleventeen sex pics"

WHAT?!

"how to start eating salads"

Again, no idea how this brought up my blog of all places, rather than a recipe site or something, but my advice would be to go make or buy one, then consume it.

"is you son of a bitch a sentence"

I contend that, yes, "You son of a bitch!" is a sentence. Exclamations usually include an implied verb, which makes them a sentence. "[You] Stop!" and "[I wish for the object of this sentence to be] Damn![ed]" are both sentences in this respect. Similarly, this sentence can be understood as an expression of fact with an implied copula ("You [are a] son of a bitch!") or as a remark in which the speaker's declaration is the predicate ("[I hereby declare that] you [are a] son of a bitch!").

"what is a one year doctors visit called?"

An annual physical examination.

"where the river shannon flows?"

Ireland.

"what to do with side yard"

Pave it?

"what year did michael jackson abuse a 13 tee year old"

Michael Jackson has not been convicted of any offenses toward children. Regardless of your faith in the United States judicial system, please go read up on how it works.

"maiming someone"

Ummm...

"how to stop being gay"

Attempts to achieve this are commonly called reparative therapy or conversion therapy, and all of the mainstream healthcare and human services professional organizations strongly discredit this practice. Practicing conversion therapy is grounds for being defrocked in these professions, due to how harmful it is to people. You have my utmost sympathy and encouragement in your coming-out process, and I encourage you to instead find a community that can support you in this process.

Stay tuned for more One Smoot fun facts as more people find my site through strange and unusual search queries.


2 comments:

Suldog said...

Just catching up my Eeka reading. This is funny stuff! I especially like your advice about salads.

eeka said...

Howdy!

Of course I had to actually go google these phrases, and the salad one brought up this:

http://1smootshort.blogspot.com/2007/05/when-massholes-eat-salads.html

Which is not particularly helpful if one actually wants advice on eating salad, but then, neither is the salad advice contained in this post. Well, actually, you tell me -- do you now feel more competent in your salad-eating abilities?