Jesus H. Christ, Express Scripts

I wrote before about how I can't figure out how to pay the goddamned bill on the Express Scripts website. Since then, I've reluctantly added in a credit card that they're free to charge recurringly. They've yet to charge said card, and they've now sent me a letter saying they've been unsuccessful in securing funds from me, thus I've been banned from filling further prescriptions.

They might be more successful in securing funds from me if they
1) had a way to make a goddamned payment on their motherloving website
2) would charge the credit card that I've entered and authorized them to charge specifically for the very purpose of securing funds from me.

I called the phone number, and spoke to a very nice person named Shawna. She said she'd be happy to charge my balance to the credit card I have on file. I said I'd be willing to do this in a moment, but before we did that, would she be able to tell me how to make a payment online and/or why they haven't charged the card? She poked around and figured out that I don't have access to online payments, because my employer has chosen as a security feature not to permit online payments. Um? Because it's more secure to have my card sitting there doing nothing? Or to allow any old two-bit moron who can figure out the Express Scripts phone number and my birthdate to call and make charges to my account? See, this is where "security" is kind of a moot point, because, really, I'm not too worried about roving bandits charging my own prescription debts to my own credit card. They can do it online, on the phone, in person -- I don't care. Come to think of it, it would be a lot less hassle if they would, so I wouldn't have to waste my time entering my information online and then sitting on hold to call and tell them to go ahead and take my prescription copay. Anyone know where I can find some bandits? Or drifters? Maybe rogues? Hobos?

I then asked her why every single prescription and letter I get from them is covered in giant blue "pay your bill online at" logos. She wasn't sure, but did offer to pass along the suggestion that they not send that to people for whom that isn't actually possible. She then said my account was all settled and gave me a very long confirmation number.

So, apparently the procedure for getting drugs is actually:
1) mail prescription to some P. O. box
2) wait for drugs to show up
3) get bill for drugs that says you can pay it online except you can't
4) enter credit card online
5) call number and wait on hold to tell them to charge credit card

How is this "benefit" more convenient than going to CVS and paying the damn copay and getting the drugs within a few minutes?


Molly said...

I can't even register to use the Express Scripts website. It asks me to enter my account number. I enter the number conveniently labeled "account number" on all the paper correspondence I have with them. Every time, the website spits back "no such account"....good to know I'm imaginary.

Molly (the spouse) said...

Whoa hey, that's not me! :)