Dear Capital One

You know those e-mails you keep sending me?

The ones that promise $100 for opening a Capital One savings account?

The ones that address me by first and last name and refer to me as a valued customer, which indicates that they're being sent to cardholders rather than just to generic mailing lists?

The ones that say in the tiny print at the bottom that the average balance during the first year must be more than $10,000?

Well jeez, you people have full access to my credit report and other financial information. Shouldn't you be able to tell that there's no way in fuck that I have $10,000 lying around, nor am likely to any time soon?

(And you realize, don't you, that a $100 return on $10,000 over 12 months is, well, 1% APR. Which you damn well better be paying people if you're using their large sums of cash to fund sketchy e-mail campaigns about car loan ripoffs your financial institution. What kind of person who has $10,000 puts it in some gimmicky Capital One account anyway?)